I'm So Tough

Overtime, thru reflection, I learned that I was raised in a fear based house hold. Being emotionally abused by a narcissistic parent whose foundation was fear and unhealed wounds. She competed with me, judged me, ridiculed me, and repeatedly told me how IT would be for me because that was how IT was for her. She spewed her unhealed anger, hurt, sadness, betrayals, and oppression all over me. The message I received was that I wasn’t capable, no one would assist me or guide me or support me. No one would care for me or love me. She modeled anger and distrust as the only way to move thru life. This parent cheered my verbal attacks of others. According to her, verbal attacks were standing up for yourself. This was toughness! The message was toughness was the key.

This toughness didn’t bring peace, love, confidence, joy or safety. This toughness was solitary confinement for every day human emotions that were meant to guide me. This confinement pushed and plastered all my emotions; fear, confidence, curiosity, sadness, depression, connection, joy, anger, up against each other. They had no space to know themselves and express themselves. The toughness that was expected and cheered permitted no gentle space for positive emotions to grow and negative experiences to heal. I couldn’t breathe.

While I was living this way, she, my highest self, was showing what she had to offer. What she had to offer was strength. Strength grew and unfolded when my emotions where free to move around each other; like a harmonious, smooth, and joyful dosey doe. Strength is ever developing as I acknowledge and listen to the messages of all my emotions. The listening fortifies and builds my emotional strength. This strength is nurtured, cultivated, and fortified as I use what I feel are spiritual daily activities instead of fear based daily activities.

Mind Pictures-Conventional and Soulful Intelligence

As I have grown more familiar with spirit, she, sends me mind pictures. They are quick flashes of information that I believe come from my soul as guidance and gratitude for listening to her. For years, when they would intermittently appear I didn’t pay attention. But as I learn how spirit works I understand that these mind pictures come to guide me.

Recently, the mind picture was of a woman standing in crusty snow piles looking thru a perfectly clean and clear cabin window. The snow woman wasn’t cold; she felt certain and confident in her understanding of life. What she saw in the window was a person who looked just like her. The woman was inside a cozy cabin that had a large fire blazing and a solid, hand-made round wooden table. The woman inside the cabin felt gentle, open, with a heart led confidence.

Decoding these messages used to prove daunting until I started to use a dream dictionary. I would look at the dream dictionary meaning to identify and name what felt true for me. If it didn’t feel true I just moved on. Mostly, I was looking to see how something felt and what could be revealed to me that I didn’t currently know about myself.

 My interpretation of this mind picture…….

Interpretation

-          These ladies are both aspects of me. One conventional and one soulful.

-          Each aspect is interested in the other. It’s a respectful, curious relationship.

-          It’s showing me the difference between a conventional type of confidence (clear, certain, head led)

-          And a soulful type of confidence (open, gentle, heart led)

-          The settings are showing me that the conventional confidence feels cold (snow, unsheltered)

-          And the soulful confidence is warm (fireplace), inclusive (round table) and provides easy and simple shelter (the cabin)

Right now, I feel like spirit is showing me the benefits of a soulful intelligence while teaching me what it is and what it does for me. The conventional confidence is familiar. The familiarity feels good. It is guiding me to the benefits of a soulful intelligence. Following this intelligence is warmer, inclusive, and gives me emotional and quite possibly physical or material shelter.

I wonder what else the symbolism is telling me…….

Something Happen To

We had been broken up for years. I didn’t have his new phone number, wasn’t sure where he lived, and hadn’t talked about him in... forever. But his name repeatedly popped into my mind in a strange way. Its like it was floating thru my brain. Was she, my highest self, trying to tell me something? Was she leaving me yet another bread crumb meant to lead me to my internal guidance system?

Anyway, over dinner, in a crowded, noisy restaurant in an equally crowded and noisy city, I told my friend something happened to Steve. With a doubtful and judgmental look, she told me nothing happened to Steve I’m just projecting the disappointment of Fred onto Steve.

 I slowly and knowingly shook my head no a few times and said I’m planning to contact Mark, Steve’s long-time friend because something DID happen. She playfully rolled her eyes.

On the following day, I knew to contact Mark at 400pm. (Why did she, my highest self, give me this information?) After catching up with Mark, I asked the question, “How is Steve?”. Mark, slowly and quietly told me, “He is better, now.” And then the story began…Steve had a minor surgery when traveling overseas, it got infected, it got better, it got infected again…..it got better again. Since he wasn’t improving as anticipated he flew to a nearby country for better treatment. During the flight, the plane was stuck by lightening!  

 Immediately, I contacted my skeptical friend. With an I told you so tone I laid out the story in detail. She listened in complete silence and when I finished she said,” If you ever get any information about me, tell me!”

My friend’s response caused me to wonder about this voice? Why is she, my highest self, speaking to me? Having no idea how to make sense of these messages, I decided to view them as fun and entertaining party tricks…. dismissing it entirely. It would be years until I realized this was another bread crumb being left to return me to my inner guidance system.

Oh, and Steve is fine! He must have protective guardian angels swarming him.

”Because He Is Supposed To Be Mine”

This post is a short and simple love story. In my 20s, she, my highest self, left another bread crumb to help me locate her someday……

Once upon a decade or two ago, my friend called me after an energizing and fun filled sunny beach vacation. She had met a guy through our mutual friend. As part of the group’s vacation, my friend and this guy spent much of their time together playing silly, joyful games in the ocean, drinking wine, and exploring the nearby sites.

 While she was ecstatic at the connection she enjoyed, she was clear that the age difference would be a problem and she wasn’t interested in anything long distance. While I listened to my friend’s enjoyable story and thoughtful decision, I heard a voice within me or near me or somewhere outside of my head say, “That’s because he is supposed to be with you”.  The voice was certain, clear, gentle and truthful.

 My human self knew it would be true. At the time, some part of me was so certain of its truth that I promptly forgot all about it.  I had no need to ruminate or ponder because it was truth.  My thinking mind could make no connection to this information from her. This man didn’t live near me, I didn’t know him and had no plans in my near or far future to meet him. There was simply no connection. We, my friend, the man she met, and I went about our lives as we had before I was given this message of a future connection.

Years went by, and eventually, I was dating someone new. It was a lovely relationship, we enjoyed the beach together, ate at interesting restaurants and did a fair amount of dancing.  A huge bonus, was traveling to see him.
Yes, you guessed it! Two years later and a few months into the relationship, I was struck by the epiphany that I was in fact with him.

That highest self, I like to call she, works in mysterious ways…….

Team Spirit

  A couple of blog ideas are chaotically bouncing around my mind but she, my highest self, is far too excited to mold these soul knockings and growth thoughts into posts. My highest self struggles to contain her excitement about this weekend! I love when she is crystal clear about her desires and her joys. So often I get hints or a quiet vagueness or confusing words and feelings that I need to quietly and deliberately decipher. But not right now!  Right now, a team that excites her and astounds her with their greatness is playing this weekend. It will be so fun!!!

If that isn’t fun enough, before the game, she is having dinner with a joyful, silly group of people who make her laugh, laugh with her and share her team spirit (even while constantly checking and reporting the pressing news from Facebook). All week, there was a flurry of communication about restaurant ideas, foods we have a hankering for and potential additional attendees. While the emails sort out the perfect meal and its cozy establishment, the side conversation about dessert intensifies.

You, the reader, need some insider information…..our group has been eating thru the dessert menu at what has become our favorite bakery. We have been taking turns choosing the dessert for our gatherings. This time the game-watching-venue host has chosen. His love of rich and gooey peanut butter dessert has made his decision easy. It’s peanut butter pie with chocolate ganache for all. All that is left is the ordering and pick up of the sweet and savory dish.

All week, she, has been distracted by the daydreams of the sport's team spirit, the dinner and dessert team’s spirit and the spirit of her friends.  Let’s hope it lives up to all the hype…..

Car Accident

When I was in elementary school, she, my highest self, told me about a car accident taking place. I, still, remember it clearly…

Sleeping soundly, I brightly awoke and read the clock. It said 10:15pm. She told me my parents had been in a car accident. I wasn’t alarmed, scared or upset, I never questioned or doubted the validity or the source of the information, I simply rolled over and returned to my deep sleep.

In the morning, my father came into my room (which he never did) to tell me about how my mother was feeling after the accident. He said a few words and I blurted, “You guys were in a car accident last night at 10:15!’’. He simply said, “Yes”.

I have no memory of my father’s reaction to my message from her that I confidently shared. I excitedly and anxiously, continued with, “Can I look at the car?”. He pointed to my bedroom window. It was parked in the driveway under the window. (My parents never parked the car there) As expected, the front end was deeply smashed!

 The knowledge of the accident came from such a deep and unknown place within me that I didn’t question its origins or its truthfulness. I KNEW it was true because she told me.

This was one of her bread crumbs she left on my path to my highest self. I have returned to that bread crumb and told this story so many times as I have tried to learn who she is and what she wants to share.

She has left many more bread crumbs since the accident….

Will and Grace

Sooo it all started at birth! The birth of what I don’t really understand. Was it the birth of the universe or just quite simply the birth of me. Me, complete with she - my truest nature, and all the other parts that needed to come to life to guide me through the maze of a conventional life.

When I was in second grade, she, my true nature, was recommending that I create a picture by cutting construction paper into rounded designs and then gluing them to the outer edges of the paper. After that she said make stars all over the blank spots, use the sparkling markers. This filled us with joy! While drawing brilliant and sparkling stars, the second-grade art teacher told us we were working on something else. The joy drained from us and she, my true nature, silently faded inside.

But that was a long time ago and she is back! When I think back over the decades, she made many appearances. I now, know she was speaking to me with intuition, passion, daydreams, nightdreams, and out and out words that I dismissed as odd. Truthfully, I looked around to see who was saying them, saw no one and easily shrugged off the voice.

While struggling to live an appropriate conventional life, a part of me developed to fear her and another part became a vigilante on patrol. My vigilante’s mission was to admonish and squelch her input, her knocking, her wants.  The vigilante and fear parts were excellent at their jobs. How else could my conventional self grow, respond or react in an expected fashion. I grew to believe “I” was the conventions that I lived within. And really had no idea who she was or her mission.

But through years of interment remarkable events and people she introduced to me (her way of leaving bread crumbs for me to find her), I can only think of her as GRACE………..